


'here's to the crazy ones'

by pushkin666



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Drug Addiction, M/M, past Spencer Smith/Brendon Urie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 03:36:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3312425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pushkin666/pseuds/pushkin666
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been over a year since Spencer walked away from Panic, needing to deal with his addiction to painkillers.  It's been longer even than that since he's spoken to Ryan but now Ryan is here and Spencer has no choice but to speak to him.  Past Spencer/Ryan relationship and past Spencer/Brendon relationship.  Angsty and bittersweet.</p><p> </p><p>  <i>It is only a minute or two though and then before he knows what he's doing he pulls his fist back and punches Ryan in the face.</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>"Seriously, what the fuck Ross?" he spits out. "I knew you had issues..." because it's been a year since he pulled out of Panic's tour, a year since the music press let anybody know who was interested about his addiction and it's taken this long for Ryan to show his face!</i><br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	'here's to the crazy ones'

It started small, as these things are wont to do. Or at least that's what Spencer assumes. Being in the music industry he's spent enough time around people with addictions, but he's never really wanted to know much about it until he became an addict himself. So yes, it started small; taking the painkillers to stop the pain in his hands and arms when they'd been on the road for too long - there was only so much relief that an ice pack could give and Spencer didn’t really like to drink that much - and then taking uppers to try and keep awake. Anybody who said that the life of a touring band was glamorous clearly had never done it.

Maybe for the big well known bands it could be, but Panic were not big and although they were well known amongst the teenagers who'd initially followed them because they were Pete Wentz's first big new thing, it didn't amount to being... well, really famous.

The painkillers helped; helped alleviate the aches in his arms and then helped to numb the sound of Panic breaking up around him.

The weeks spent in the cabin trying to write their second album had been exhausting to say the least, and although it was there that he and Ryan first got together, Spencer would rather forget about the whole experience.

So the painkillers became more and more important to him as first Ryan left him, taking away a broken version of their childhood, and Panic itself was lost to him and then Brendon left too. Most important of all though was that Spencer lost himself. So it's with barely a backward glance that he walked away from Panic's tour, citing his continued problems with painkiller addiction.

It took a while but eventually he comes to know that what he'd had with Brendon hadn't really ever been real. It had been rebound from Ryan, nothing more and that hurts in a whole different way. Spencer is disgusted with himself, having used Brendon like that.

It had never been what he had with Ryan and he begins to understand that as he starts to get himself straight, to slowly wean himself off the drugs and to realise again who he, Spencer Smith is, without Panic both supporting and suffocating him.

And then one day, months after Spencer walks away from it all, Ryan turns up at his parents' house. His parents are out, and his sisters are away at college which is the only reason that Spencer is the person answering the door, the only reason that for a minute or two he stands there silent, simply staring in shock at Ryan. 

It is only a minute or two though and then before he knows what he's doing he pulls his fist back and punches Ryan in the face.

"Seriously, what the fuck Ross?" he spits out. "I knew you had issues..." because it's been a year since he pulled out of Panic's tour, a year since the music press let anybody know who was interested about his addiction and it's taken this long for Ryan to show his face!

"What happened Ryan> Did Zee kick you out again?"

Ryan's head is down and for a moment Spencer wonders whether he's done serious damage, he knows how strong his arm muscles are. He's a drummer after all for fucks sake, but then Ryan's head comes up and Spencer watches as Ryan prods carefully at his nose, wincing slightly before dropping his hand. There’s a little blood on his lip from where Spencer has caught it and as he watches Ryan licks it away carefully, like a cat. 

Ryan is uncharacteristically silent, twisting his hat in his hands and Spencer wonders uncharitably just who Ryan is channelling today. Whether this is the real Ryan Ross, the one he'd known from his childhood. Or thought he'd known, he thinks with a mean twist to his mouth. Or whether this is the blank canvas Ryan Ross, the one who'd covered himself in the colours and patterns of other people in those last bitter months of Panic before he and Jon left.

Spencer stares at him for a moment longer and then he turns his back. "Well if you've finally managed to come all this way, you may as well come in." He grits the words out over his shoulder as he walks away from Ryan back into the house.

The door closes behind them and his shoulders tense as he heads back to the annex at the back of his parents' house where he's been living since he came home to lick his wounds and hide.

There are light footsteps behind him and Spencer doesn't know whether he's pleased about that or not. There's a lightening in his heart that Ryan is here but also he's so fucking angry right now he's not sure what to do first. He's angry and also a little scared because in his heart of hearts he'd expected Ryan to turn up within the first week of it being in the press about Spencer walking away from Panic and when he hadn't, when week after week, month after month had gone by Spencer had thought that he would never see Ryan again. He should have remembered how Ryan was around people with addiction, although it never seemed to bother him that much with Pete but then Ryan was always a realist when it came to success, and much as he liked Pete for Pete's own sake, it was also Pete's label they were signed to. Ryan wouldn't have fucked that up for anything.

Once they reach his sitting room Spencer turns around. "So..." he says, sticking his hands in his pocket to hide the shaking. “What are you doing here Ryan?"

There's the beginning of a bruise starting to show on Ryan's nose and the right cheek where Spencer caught him, and Spencer knows that by morning it will be a beautiful colour, and he's pleased at that thought, that no matter what even if Ryan leaves right now he'll be taking something of Spencer with him. 

Ryan looks around first, taking in Spencer's living arrangements and then he looks at him, directly at him. "No," he answers. "Zee didn't kick me out. That's not why I'm here." He pauses for a moment as though he's not sure how to go on and Spencer waits. He's gotten good at waiting, although he gave up on waiting for Ryan a long time ago. 

"You clearly don't follow the music press anymore." Ryan gives a little self-deprecating smile and drops his hand onto one of the chairs. "We broke up about six months ago. I wanted..." He drops down into one of the chairs without any kind of invitation and Spencer glares.

"I wanted to come and see you earlier but..." he shrugs a little.

Oh Spencer knows full well why Ryan didn't come. "You don't like being around addicts. I know Ryan, you think I'd forget that but did you..." He takes a step to where Ryan is sitting. "Did you forget _everything_ about us?" Once he might have held off on asking but Spencer's had a lot of time to think over the last year or so and he figures that not telling Ryan how he felt before was one of the reasons Ryan left.

"Did you forget what we had?" He stops in front of Ryan and drops to the floor in front of him. "Ryan, did you forget? Or did you just stop caring?"

Spencer's fingers clench until they're fists and he stares first at the floor and then at Ryan's knees before looking up as Ryan starts to speak.

"Here’s to the crazy ones," Ryan says softly. "The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently."

"Oh shut the fuck up," Spencer tells him, shaking his head. "Only you would quote Kerouac at a time like this." Ryan smiles and Spencer catches his breath. It's a proper smile, no artifice and nobody else is looking out from Ryan's eyes, just Ryan.

"I... I missed you," Ryan tells him, lifting his hand to touch Spencer's cheek. "Spence, Spencer how did we come to this."

Spencer sighs and rubs his face against Ryan's hand. "Because we're idiots," he answers, "and we were too busy to stand still and see. Ryan?"

"I'm here," Ryan tells him. "And," his voice is a little hesitant. "If you want me stay Spencer, if you'll let me stay then I'd like to. I've been, well I've been a rotten friend and an even worse boyfriend at times. Can't believe I blamed you for everything that happened with Panic, that I blamed you for taking Brendon's side. I was stupid. Will you... Will you forgive me?"

His voice breaks on the last word and Spencer's world stands still, there's a rushing in his ears and it's almost like the last few years are nothing anymore, and he and Ryan are where they should always have been but... "Yes," he answers, pressing a kiss to Ryan's palm. "Yes."

Ryan lets out a shaky breath and then his other hand is moving to stroke over Spencer's head, combing through his hair as he pulls him close, his arms encircling him. Spencer wraps his arms around Ryan's waist and resting his head on his knee he closes his eyes.

_They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire._  
 _They push the human race forward._  
 _Maybe they have to be crazy.  
_


End file.
